Scram! South Dakota Doesn’t Want You Here

By Gary Dickson
P & W Business Editor

SIOUX FALLS, SD – South Dakota wants to clarify something when it comes to having people move to our beautiful state.

We really don’t want you here.

We’re not kidding. Go away.

We don’t want former residents who are homesick for the Rushmore State to return. Really, don’t bother. We don’t want you. Especially if you have new ideas. Or are different from us in some way. We don’t want a diversity of ideas, or languages, or anything to do with the rest of the world. We’re just fine the way we are.

And God help you if you happen to be Gay, Bisexual, Lesbian, Transitioning or questioning your sexuality. The liberals call you LGBTQs. And what the hell does non-binary mean? Don’t bring us your arithmetic problems!

Some of our old marketing materials said: “In South Dakota, Less Is More”. WTF? In South Dakota, less is less – and we’re proud of it! Our average hourly wages are the third-lowest in the country. And if you’re a teacher? For sure you wouldn’t want to move here. The state has one of the lowest salary averages for teachers in the nation, ranking 48th in 2016-17 and 47th in 2017-18. Our motto when it comes to teachers in South Dakota is “Lower Pay, Fewer Opportunities”.

You are surrounded! Give yourselves up!

And then there are cows. South Dakota hosts nearly 3.9 million of the mooing beasts — and the state’s 859,000 human residents are outnumbered 4.5 to 1. One wouldn’t be faulted for thinking if the cows decided to rise up and revolt, the humans would be screwed. But not quite. Because, you know . . . guns. And cows don’t kill people, people with guns kill people, so you can’t have our guns ‘cause we may want to kill you!


Of course, we can’t stand to have anyone bringing in any new religions into the state. If you ain’t Christian, you ain’t anything. Oh, and add Republican to that. If you ain’t Christian AND Republican, you’re horse manure and we don’t want you. Besides, us Christian Republicans got control of the state legislature and other political offices . . . so we don’t need any help from you outsiders, even if you belong to the United Reformed Church of Groveling Agony and are a member of the NRA! So get lost!

Krispie Gnome_01.30.20 (2)
SD Gov. Krispie Gnome

To help drive our message home to those passing through on our oft-closed Interstates we’ve enlisted the help of none other than South Dakota’s own Billboard Queen of Pierre, the Skinny Bitch Foe of Hemp Purveyors . . . Krispie Gnome! Krispie’s puzzled face will appear on billboards on all highways entering South Dakota and in printed materials sent out by the SD Xenophobes Now Campaign.


For more information on the SD Xenophobes Now Campaign, contact Merk Michelson, Esq., Happy Horrors Fear Mongers Academy, P.O. Box 666, Sioux Falls, SD 51102 or call 1-605-555-1212. Visit our web page at

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