Nobody Wants Mike Rounds’ Papers

By Gary Dickson

P and W Politics Desk

SIOUX FALLS, SD — United States Senator Mike Rounds, R-SD said he is, “. . . heartbroken and crushed” that no colleges in South Dakota are interested in storing his papers in any archive or library.

Many of Rounds constituents in the Rushmore State are surprised that the senator is already trying to find a place for his records before the end of his first term.

“Golly sakes!” exclaimed Pierre resident and insurance agent Angus Flambeau. “The guy just announced he was running again for his seat in the 2020 election. What’s up with that?”

It is possible the junior senator may be somewhat concerned about the June 2 primary. Rounds is facing some stiff competition from Scyller Borglum, a freshman state legislator from Rapid City. It’s possible Rounds just wants to make sure he has his affairs in order just in case his re-election bid goes south.

Borglum isn’t related to the famous sculptor and his son that carved Mt. Rushmore. But she has a doctorate in geological engineering from the South Dakota School of Mines and

Screen-Shot-2019-12-27-at-18.20.09 (2)
Scyller Borglum

Technology. She also has a bachelor’s degree in business and a master’s degree in theology. And now, with the state’s institutions of higher learning rejecting his requests to house his collection of papers and records at their campuses, Rounds could be feeling a little bit of academic envy toward his opposition.

But that’s something the Senator deflects with his famous smile.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Rounds responds, chuckling. “Academic envy? I’ve got a degree in political science from SDSU. I’m the only SDSU graduate to be elected governor of this great state! I think I went to insurance underwriting school or something like that. You can tell Scyller she can go back to carving tourist souvenirs.”

Sen. Rounds’ papers and bowl he stole from Senate lunchroom.

The senator said it hurts a lot that his alma mater didn’t want to house his papers. “I think I’m kinda nonplussed or maybe flummoxed about it,” he said with a tear in his once twinkling eye. “But I don’t really know what nonplussed or flummoxed mean for sure, but I read a column in the Rapid City Journal where the writer Kevin Something-or-Other used the first word and watched KELO TV last week where someone on 60 Minutes used the second one. Anyway, I think, I think they mean . . . oh, where the heck was I. Oh fudge! Nevermind!”

Senator Rounds did say he had some good news to report, though. He said Reagan National University had contacted him about housing his papers in their library, but that he had been having difficulty reaching them the last few days. About then, one of his aides from his Sioux Falls office rushed over and whispered something in his ear.

“Closed, you say? What the heck?” he said looking querulously at the young woman. “USA Today did an investigative story on the college and discovered there was no one occupying their offices and no one answers their phones. Well, that’s just great!”

The senator fidgeted instead of listening to trial evidence.

Rounds added that Trump University had discussed the possibility of hosting his archive, too. He said he had several conversations with both Eric and Donald Trump, Jr. about it back in 2016. “But I just put them off because I was sure SDSU or even USD would want my stuff. Now no one, not even Krispie Gnome’s Northern State wants my things. They don’t even want my fidget spinner from the Trump impeachment trial! I just don’t get it.

“And you’d think Trump would help me out here? Hah! That spray-tanned freak only suggested I try calling the Insurance Underwriters Institute to see if they were interested. Well, he can kiss a fat baby’s ass! You know, he doesn’t even recall how I stood up for him by saying he paid off that porn star to protect his family! He just hangs his “friends” out to dry. I hope his wife Super Glues his tiny hands to his crotch!”

Rounds claimed he was a survivor, that he would come out on top, unscathed. “I’ll be unlathered, too!” the Senator said peculiarly. One of his aides asked if he didn’t mean “untethered”.

“No, you Bilbo Baggins-wearing ninny!” Rounds bleated. “I mean unlathered — like a

Rounds looking like singing
Sen. Rounds singing karaoke in Lemmon, SD.

bowling ball! Or a raccoon! Or . . . or . . . or a meatpacking plant! Yeah, that’s it! I survived that EB-5 Visa inquiry, didn’t I? Didn’t I? Of course, me and Donny T are survivors of snooping. But they didn’t have no Northern Beef on me! Northern Beef! Ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-hoh! Get it? Huh?”

The director of Rounds’ Sioux Falls office quietly took his boss’ arm and began to steer him towards the door and out of the room. Rounds was still giggling and snorting and shouting, “Yup, you can’t stick it to ol’ Smilin’ Mike! I got the Northern Beef EB-5 Visa Joop ju-ju working for me!”

Sherrol, a female aide stayed in the room, slowly shaking her head.

“He’ll calm down in a couple of hours,” she said. “After we give him some Valium — we call it The Senator’s Little Helper — and a couple of cartons of Yoo-Hoo. And later, after he’s tranqed-down a bit, I’ll give him the good news. Golden Sunshowers Farriers’ College in Sturgis just called and said they definitely want the senator’s papers and stuff!”

Good news indeed, Sherrol.

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