By Gary L. Dickson, B.S., M.Ed., Ed.D. (ABD), LMHC (Ret), Science Writer
WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Mike Pence today announced a new federal health program with a focus on bats, in an effort to get to the origins of the Coronavirus or COVID-19. This is the first time the Trump administration has encouraged anything this radical in the race to address the virus which has, at the time of this report, infected 200 plus people in the U.S.
The announcement was made on a sunny, cheerful afternoon in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room. Joining Pence were President Trump and sitting in the front row were the First Lady Melania Trump, Trump’s sons Donald Jr. and Eric, his daughter Ivanka, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci, Commissioner of Major League Baseball Rob Manfred, Jerry Jones, new White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, Senator Mitch McCormick, Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) without gas mask, amateur sniper Ted Nugent, and newlywed Stephen Miller sporting an Adolf Eichmann Nazi officer’s uniform sans hat.
The president, vice president, and GOP Senators and Congressmen have mostly emphasized the importance of conspiracy theories involving “Communist China”, the Democratic Party, space aliens, a porn film actress, and women in general and utilizing misinformation about vaccine development.
“Well, I guess you can’t argue with science,” Pence said while holding his hand over his mouth to stifle a snicker. “Our very own Centers for Disease Control says on their website that the SARS-CoV-2 virus is a betacoronavirus, like MERS-CoV and SARS-CoV. All three of these viruses have their origins in bats. And that’s good enough for the president and myself!”
Pence, who was named the Poohbah of Pandemics by Trump two weeks ago, had recently returned from the state of Washington which has had at least 10 deaths from the coronavirus so far. He was exhausted from his trip out west, he said, but he noted that his boss had been busy, too, visiting the CDC and insulting the governor of Washington.
“I’ll let you know Mr. President,” Pence said with a big grin, “I sure didn’t trust that snake Governor Inslee for one moment! I made sure to leave him with 2000 flawed virus testing kits. Then I told him to go fuck himself and hopped on the plane with mother and flew back to DC as fast as I could.”
“Attaboy!” Trump said with a smirk trailing across his spray tanned face.
Poohbah Pence thanked those attending the press conference for taking the time to be there.
“I especially want to thank Mrs. Trump who interrupted her shopping trip to Fredericks of Hollywood to be with us. And Don, Jr. and Eric, I’m glad you could break off from your play date at Lady Heather’s Leatherland and Bestiality Rumpus Room. Next time, take me along, okay?”
The president urged Pence to move along with the details of the bat offensive.
“C’mon Mikey, we haven’t got all day,” Trump said. “I’ve got some immigrant children to separate from their parents!”
A slightly flustered Pence cleared his throat and took a gulp of water, spit it out on the floor, and then began outlining the core actions the White House Bat Reduction Team would take. He said they would first shut down all bat-manufacturing factories in the United States starting with the Louisville Slugger Plant in Louisville, KY. Next up was sealing off the country’s borders to prevent any importing of bats – wooden or aluminum – made outside of the U.S.
“We’re gonna hit the sporting goods stores like were on a sweep of illegal immigrants!” an excited Trump joined in. “Then we’ll round up the bats in Little League, Babe Ruth League, American Legion Ball, pee-wee leagues, church leagues, beer leagues, you name it.”
A reporter from the Associated Press asked if it was just baseball and softball bats that will be targeted.
“What do you mean?” both Pence and Trump asked at the same time.
The AP reporter told them there were plastic whiffle ball bats, fungo bats used to play cricket, and pinata bats. She added that ping-pong rackets were also called “bats” both here and in other countries.
“Holy Water-Walking Jesus!” Pence exclaimed. “That’s a lot of different bats!”
Another reporter told the spore-fighting duo that President Obama was known to play ping-pong with the head of Great Britain when he was in office. He also said that President George W. Bush and Obama learned a lot about playing Cricket and that there is a photo of Bush somewhere in the White House actually hitting a ball with a Cricket bat during a game.
“You didn’t know that, did you Mikey? You better not have. I still haven’t decided on my running mate for 2020!” Trump said.
“No sir, I sure didn’t!” Pence responded. “I’ll bet the Dems or the Chinese have held out on us – keeping information from us until now. The bastards!”
Pence the Pandemic Poohbah wound up the press conference by sharing that the US Border Patrol, ICE, members of the Rotary Clubs of America, members of the Friends of David Duke, Republican Women Clubs, and Fundamentalist Church Youth Fellowships of America members are volunteering to confiscate all kinds of bats across the country. He said confiscated bats will be stored in church basements and National Guard Armories in each state.
Anthony Fauci, who has been a medical officer and consultant with many presidential administrations – both Republican and Democrat – was sitting in a chair against the wall by himself as Pence, Trump, and their entourage walked out of the press briefing room. He was shaking his head and a tear appeared at the corner of his eye.
“See what I have to put up with each day?” he asked to no one in particular. “They’re all idiots. They’re fucking morons, I tell you!”
Then he let go with an evil laugh.
“And they’re SO suggestible.,” Fauci whispered.