By Gary Dickson, Reporter The Hokum Gazette
PIERRE, SD – South Dakota’s Governor Kristi Noem is certain about two things as Halloween and the other holidays approach: First, she believes she’s done a darned good job of managing the state’s response to the coronavirus pandemic.
“See, there was absolutely no need for masks,” a grinning Noem said at her regular monthly press conference. “People just put on their positive pants like I told them to,” she said. “And then they went out looking for some El Pheasantdentes. I shouldn’t have to remind you that Donald Trump has said we’ve turned the corner on this disease. And if he says it, it must be true! Besides, I’ve been wearing my lucky MAGA hat more days than not, lately.”
Secondly, Gov. Noem thinks it would be an excellent idea if South Dakota’s school children could start thinking more like her. In other words, Noem wants them to be taught magical thinking as part of their fourth-grade curriculum.
Noem and several Republican legislators from both houses are adamant about instituting the changes in the public education system as soon as possible. In fact, they want to push through a starting date for the new curriculum of Jan. 4, 2021 or whatever day closest to that a school district starts classes in January.
The governor acknowledged that January was a pretty ambitious start date for youngsters in the state’s public schools.
“Well, gosh darn it,” Noem exclaimed. “Nobody ever gave us any lead time on my anti-meth campaign, did they? Hell no! We were On It! right away. Heh-heh-heh. Anyway, I’m gonna develop the curriculum by myself. Well, I’ll have some help from a couple of people from the Trump campaign. And you know what? Next fall I want to get a class in gaslighting placed into the curriculum for high school sophomores. That shouldn’t be too early, should it? Or maybe we’ll put in for the juniors.”
The governor asked if the reporters assembled had any questions. There was a pregnant silence as they all glanced around at each other, trying to hold back giggles. Finally, Angela Kennecke said she had a question. But before she could ask her question, Noem’s communication director Ian Furry ran over and threw his arm around the KELO reporter’s neck placing her in a headlock. He then dragged her out of the press briefing room and down the hall while screaming at her, “I told you to stay away from the governor you sneaky little b*tch. We’re on to you!”
“Anyone else?” Noem asked smiling sweetly. “Oh, okay, there in the back.”
After thanking Noem for acknowledging him, a tall man wearing a dark green cardigan sweater, chinos and scuffed tan oxfords stood up. He cleared his throat and peered down the reporter’s notebook in his hand. “Governor, are you at all concerned that South Dakotans might consider this part of a dangerous pattern of poor choices; that you have no intention of following through due to your lack of commitment? And will it continue to destroy your confidence and others’ in you, thereby reinforcing your worst fears of yourself as incompetent, pathetic and unworthy?”
Governor Noem looked around the room desperately trying to find her communications advisor. Unable to find him, she briefly consulted with a couple of Republican legislators before turning back to face her questioner.“
Why no, I don’t. Not at all,” Noem replied. “Did you know that I really suck at relationships?” “I barely can have a relationship with myself, never mind with an actual living Hereford or Charolais? Those relationships – if you want to call them that – are emotionally shallow, short and punctuated by cruelty, loneliness and bad sex.“
I just want love and acceptance, don’t you know? Well, who the hell am I to want so much? I have so much self-loathing and cowardice. So, then I put on my positive pants and one of my many good luck hats. And then if things get really bad, I knock on wood, toss some salt over my shoulder, head out to my truck – making sure I don’t step on any cracks – and go pheasant hunting. And just like that, every bad thing is gone!
“Now, I want to share that with all the little 9-year-olds across this great state, except those who go to private school. I feel more whole because of magical thinking . . . and I want them to as well. Thanks to magical thinking, I’m more regular, too. I can’t remember the last time I was constipated . . . and the little ones should have this experience as well. And . . . and . . . uh. Oh, never mind. If you have anymore questions give ol’ Ian a call or drop him and email. I’ll let you know more around Christmas after the educators have a chance to see the curriculum. And you never know, we might be able to scoop up Betsy DeVoss as coordinator of this program. I have a hunch she and a few others from the administration might be looking for work.”